"I'm Sorry, But... Here's My Pee"

You know what's awkward? Drug tests.

I'm officially back to work next week (I'm really going to miss sleeping in every day) so I had to do a drug test. Every time I have to pee in a cup I get anxiety.

Am I going to have enough? What if I get some on the outside on accident. That's gross. Did I give them too much pee? This whole process is disgusting.

I was thinking as I was handing the lady my pee cup that I'd prefer a less gross way to prove that I don't do drugs. I always feel bad when I hand it to them, like all they are given all day is the worst present over and over. I have this for you! Now touch it! Touch it!

Favorite Things: January

Happy 2013! I have some more favorite things that I love from this month.

Zombies, Run! is something you're probably getting sick of hearing about if you've been reading my blog lately, but here they are if you haven't read them yet. It's a running app that puts you in a zombie survival story as Runner 5. The only way I'll run is if I'm running for my life (or if food is involved), so this works for me.

Footie Pajamas! JumpinJammerz has some really cool footie pajamas. I know... Footie pajamas? Cool? They have a lot of different prints to pick from. And it's cold here. I just want to be warm, ok?

Those are some hot Star Wars pajamas!

Plague Inc. is a strategy game where you spread disease across the globe. I feel like a mad scientist when I play it (and a little bit sad for all of the people that I kill... because I'm not heartless) but I do get a weird satisfaction when I see the red of disease start to spread across the globe.

 It is spreading! (insert evil laugh)

Ustar novels is a website where you can order a book (for example Alice in Wonderland) and replace characters with yourself and people you know. I could take the place of some of my favorite characters! I want to order some so I can fall in love with Mr. Darcy or go down the rabbit hole instead of Alice.

*Note: No one asked me to promote their stuff. Anything that has been mentioned is something I like and received no compensation for products/sites mentioned... even though I wouldn't say "no" if they offered me something cool (*hint).

Don't Come Near Me With That Thing AKA Speculums And Discomfort

Today is my lady part's least favorite appointment. I have to get my yearly probing. Or what doctors would call a PAP. I'm getting all crampy and uncomfortable just thinking about it.

It's that fun exam where your doctor squeezes your boobs and violates you (thankfully not at the same time... the boobs are the violation foreplay) with a speculum (nightmare puppet) so they can scrape around the insides of your lady garden with what feels like a miniature mase. To make sure you're healthy.

You want to do what with that?

Having to put my feet in the stirrups of lessening dignity is only the begging of discomfort as I stare at the ceiling and pretend that I'm not about to let my doctor crank open my cave of wonders with the equivalent of a human car jack. I wish I could tell my doctor that it would make it less awkward for me if she didn't try to start small talk while she's getting out the lube and spelunking in my baby crevasse.

What do you do for work? I don't know... I can't think right now with you poking me in the ovaries.

I'm thinking we need some medical research into how to make this a little less violatey. The biggest step they've taken so far is to switch from metal to plastic. Metal makes it seem more like a medieval torture device than a modern medical tool.

I hear doctors get all kinds of interested in your Velvet Underground when you're pregnant. It's not like you don't have enough going on in there without having 2 people fighting for space in your fetus factory.

I'm hoping it's quick and only a little bit awkward. It's the most I can hope for.

Kids Are Gross Little Drunk People

As I watched my niece eat a disgusting amount of ketchup off her fork instead of eating it with her hotdog, I realized that kids were gross. I already think people are gross in general, but kids take the cake.

Mmmmmmm... cake. Sorry. FOCUS, Laura.

I can't wait until my niece can go to the bathroom on her own so I don't have to change any more diapers. I was babysitting and she had some kind of explosion. Like a 40 year old man just ate a bunch of burritos and this was the outcome. All I could think, other than don't puke on your niece, was "how does someone so tiny do something as terrible as this?!"

She's 2, so you can barely understand what she says and she walks around like she's drunk, constantly bumping into things. And sometimes she shouts really loud for no reason when she's talking to you.

She's happy with socks on her hands

At least her "hangovers" end in nap times. I look forward to nap times...

Running from Zombies: Missions 3-5

Building up the base

The purpose of Mission 3 was to have zombies chase you away from the base because the gates are stuck open. You go out with Runner 8 to lure zombies towards you and get them to follow you as far away as possible. Along the way she tells you how suspicious your coming there is.

It crashed once but I was able to continue where I was before. The crappy part for me was the play list started over from the beginning. I'm picky about my music so listening to the same songs over again in a short amount of time was annoying.

At the beginning of Mission 4 you find out that a child is wandering around on its own not far from the base. You are told that the parent was probably bitten and left the child so they could get as far away as possible before turning. You have to hurry to get the kid and bring them back before that herd of zombies gets there first.

Mission 5 has you running to warn the Brunswick group about the 70+ zombies heading their way. Communications are down, they don't know they're coming and they won't be able to see them until it's too late.

Running is getting a little bit easier the more I do it, but I'm still walking a lot. Being told to hurry definitely helps keep me focused.

App: "Lives are on the line! Run! Faster!"
Me: "I'm trying but my lungs are burning. Also, I hurt and my legs are going numb... but I must save them! Save ALL the people!"

Running from Zombies: Missions 1 & 2

For 2 days now I've been using my Zombies, Run! app (mentioned in my last post). It has made running more... fun? I say that with a question mark because it's not really something I would expect myself to say. Running isn't fun. It's torture.

It starts off with a helicopter crashing after it was shot down on the way to Abel Township. You hear Sam (communications operator for Abel) talking to you over a radio you picked up and he guides you to the base. You go to the hospital to grab supplies and make it to the base. Any supplies picked up along the way go towards building up the base and for each of the supplies increases the population.

My current population (up from 67)

I'm going to keep running because I want to see where the story goes. I set it to 30 minute missions, meaning that the radio transmissions (the story) come in between the music. 60 minute missions are also an option and the radio transmissions come between every couple of songs.

You can create a playlist and it will play it over the Abel Township radio. A problem with this is that you can't skip songs. The first day it wasn't a problem because I made a playlist but I didn't think about the fact that it plays the songs in order. So 2 days in a row of the same songs made it kind of boring. This is easily fixed by switching up the playlist before I run. Also, I'm running on a treadmill so I turned the GPS off, meaning that it doesn't track my distance, only the time elapsed. Not a big deal, overall but I'd like to know distance as the display doesn't work on my sister-in-law's treadmill (that she is awesomely lets me use).

The story is a good one so far. I'm interested to see what happens next. You become the next Runner 5 because thy just lost the previous one. The story takes place in England (where the app was made), which won't take you out of the story if you don't focus too much on it. I kind of wish they could make a U.S. version, but I like English accents so... not really a problem. The voice actors are very good and the radio transmissions are entertaining, especially when they tell you they spot zombies on your tail. It makes me run faster when I'm told they're close behind me.

I will get in shape... while running from zombies.