My Grandpa passed away last night. I was stunned when I got the news. The man has been fighting for so long that I almost expected him to keep fighting. And that thought makes me feel selfish. And of course I automatically thought of how I should have called more and visited more often. This seems to be typical when you lose someone... you start thinking about what you missed or what you didn't do enough of.
The thing is there is nothing to say. I hate the cliche of "they're in a better place" or crap like that. Nobody wants to hear that when someone they love is gone. All we can do is take what we learned from that person and apply it to our lives. They wouldn't want us to stop living because they're gone.
But I'm still irrationally angry and I can't help it. Why do I have to go to work and go to appointments and live my life when a person I loved is gone? Also, when going through everyday stuff when people ask "How are you?" to be nice, I have to reply with the standard "good" rather than the depressing response of oh, I'm just dying inside, thanks for asking. Because I have to be polite and not spread the awful feeling I'm having and make them feel awkward. Which makes me think I'm doing that to you instead by you reading this. But you can stop at any time so you've done this to yourself. Why are you still reading this?
What I have left are memories and stories that I can share with the people who also loved him. And those people are the only ones who know how I feel. And I'm thankful that they're there because it means we can lean on each other.
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| I love you grampy! |
